A Rough Day

I don't really know what to say about today. I subbed for a half day this morning, and then picked Mariah up from my parents' house. When I got home, I started trying to clean and get some things ready for our trip to Detroit tomorrow, but I didn't get very far. I've had a lot on my mind lately, especially thinking about my grandma. I guess it's just the time of year. The last thing I ever gave her was a Mother's Day card. It was really hard picking cards out this year, and looking at the cards for "grandma." I had a break down in the middle of the store. I bought one for my mom and Jon's mom, and I bought one for my grandma. I filled it out and put our names on it, but I haven't been able to go to the cemetery. I'm not even sure I can handle it. I miss her so much. I'm not even sure how I feel.
Sometimes, I feel at peace knowing she's finally free from all the things that were trapping her. Sometimes I feel frantic like I have to do something to "undo" it. It hurts me the most that she never held Mariah. It almost instantly brings me to tears. So, today I had another breakdown while Mariah was taking her nap. I just couldn't hold it in. I think I cried for over an hour. Even though I'm happy that she's finally free, and I know I'll see her again, it makes it hard for me to know she's still there but I can't see her or talk to her. Selfishly, it all feels like a mean trick. I know it's not, but I'm just hurting right now, and waiting for the healing is really difficult. I just feel emotionally and physically ill.
I've just felt really weak today, and I didn't hardly have the strength to stand up let alone to go on my run. It's crazy because I woke up actually excited to go on my run today, and then it turned into a chore to move one foot in front of the other.

Food:

Breakfast: Total with 2% milk

Snack: Animal crackers (100 calories)

Lunch: 2 slices of leftover healthy pizza

Dinner: My leftover steak and potatoes from Chili's with garlic bread and broccoli salad and small soft serve ice cream for dessert.

Altogether it came to around 1900 calories.... right on target.

Please just pray for me. I need to feel some peace.

Time for some Tylenol and bed. More tomorrow.